It's 2.30am. I should have been in bed about 4 hours ago, but I'm in Sandy this weekend, so that's basically impossible. I came down because it's my womb-friend's baby shower tomorrow. I cannot explain how weird that is... Since the week I got home from the hospital, we've been super tight. She's only seven months older than me, but it has always seemed like she's been at least a two years ahead, and it's really weird to think about. We are at the beginning ages of marriage and babies. AAHH!!! What the heck is that about?! All of my guy friends are on missions. All of my girl friends are getting married/pregnant/out of state attending college. It is truly a surreal experience for me. I keep hearing "you're young, have fun. Enjoy life right now, this is the best part", but I absolutely refuse to believe that because I feel like the best parts of my life won't come for DECADES. Yes, I am young. I certainly know that... But I feel like I should be ten years older than I am, even though it's odd to me that I'm turning 20 this year. TWENTY! I can say "Oh, ten years ago blah blah blah" and it won't be completely disregarded because of my youth. HOLY CRAP! Looking back on nearly twenty years of life, I am very pleased in few ways and VERY disappointed in most other ways of how I've lived my life. I've wasted so much time being sad. Mad. Jealous. Inconsiderate. LAZY. Worried. I'm listening to the audiobook "Tuesdays with Morrie" at work right now, and today's chapters spoke very deeply to me.
"Detachment does not mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate it you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. Take any emotion, if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only you can say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment." - Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - READ IT!!!
I have been lingering on these negative feelings instead of detaching myself from them as soon as I recognize I'm having them.
On a lighter note! :) Nick, I would like you to know, you are my knight on a white horse. In shining armor. (Not the horse, you) I look up to you in everything and I am so grateful for the example you are to me. I love studying with you over the phone, I love going out to get food with you and seeing you say a little prayer before you eat, WITHOUT FAIL every time, I love when you talk to me about your mission and all the wonderful people you were able to teach, I love when you offer to drive all the way down to Ogden, from LOGAN, at 10.00pm to give me a blessing because my mouth hurts, I love that we go to the Temple together. :) LoLoLaLings. Xoxo
