I Seek After This Thing

Have you ever wanted something so bad and you feel like it is exactly what you should be doing, and nearly everything in your life points to it?  Have you gotten it?  I feel like that in my life, and yet, while I feel like I did/am doing what I can and need to do to attain it, it evades me.

More than anything in my life, I want to be a wife and a mother.

More than anything. 

Not just to anyone, of course, but I won't mention him by name for a few reasons.  I understand that I am "young" (20 in 3 weeks for those of you who don't know).  I understand that I "have time".  I have heard those phrases a kajillion times, but usually from people who don't really care/matter.  I can't help feeling that what would have happened was meant to.  Alas, I cannot make decisions for other people and things change.  I find myself preparing daily for being that woman I want to be.  I cannot wait to teach my children about the things I am learning.  I cannot wait to spend evenings with my husband hashing out bills, careers, children, school.  I cannot wait to keep the commandments of God.

"Marriage offers fulfillment all the way through life—in youth and young love, the wedding and on the honeymoon, with the coming of little children and the nurturing of them. Then come the golden years when young ones leave the nest to build one of their own. The cycle then repeats itself, as God has decreed it should."

Gaaah...  I don't know if I really like it being on my mind all the time. Yet, as I think about it, right now, even though I think I'm ready to take such a huge step, I CAN wait.  I just wish things didn't end.  I'm not even heartbroken, I just wish I still had that companion. 

I am TRULY grateful for the Refiner's Fire, though.  I am slowly, step-by-step, becoming someone who I want to be.   I have been brought down to be built up grander than I was before.  My sweet and beautiful friend Allie sent me an email that was such a great strength.  She said, 

"When President Monson announced that they're making the Provo Tabernacle into a Temple, my understanding was opened to a beautiful new truth. We were the last people to ever sing in the Provo Tabernacle, and it was really confusing for a lot of people to understand why the tabernacle burned down, because we knew that the Lord could have easily stopped that fire. But my choir director said that there is obviously a reason why it burned down that we may never know. Then when the Prophet made that announcement, everything made sense! He needed to burn that down to make it into a Temple.... a TEMPLE!! The one place on earth where God can physically dwell, the one place on earth that binds us to Him and our eternal companions for all eternity. But the amazing thing is is that we can think of ourselves in the exact same way: sometimes our Heavenly Father has to burn us down to almost nothing and sometimes we may not know why He's doing it. But He always knows why! If we let Him burn us down and re-construct us, He WILL turn us into something so much more divine, beautiful and eternal than we ever thought possible! He can turn Tabernacles into Temples! The Lord ONLY upgrades!" (italics added)

I love that analogy!  Not only because it gives hope, but because I am actually seeing it in my own life!  I am so grateful for the NEVER ENDING LOVE of my Older Brother, Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  I am grateful for ancient and modern-day scriptures that lead and guide my life and enable me to be the happiest I ever could be.  I love knowing that I am doing what I can to make myself, others and my Savior happy.

Thanks for reading, pretty soon here, I won't whine as much.  I promise.  :)

I'll be seeing you...