"Where Do I Go From Here?"

Warning: Since I want to whine and this is my blog, I'm going to. You're entitled to skip to the second paragraph if you wish to fore-go the "I'm currently unhappy with the path I am currently on" sob story.

So, there has been a lot on my mind lately about where my life is headed, what kind of person I am and who I am trying to become. I feel like I'm stuck in this mundane rut. I'm unemployed (my last day of work at the Bank of Utah in Ogden was last Friday), I'm single, I'm not a mom (I know I'm young, chill), I don't have a calling in my ward, I'm leaning more towards the "undeclared" major AGAIN, I am consistently and profoundly confused about a topic that continues to be on my mind/in my prayers, I'm not a good friend... This list could almost go on forever. The phrase "when it rains, it pours" has never been so applicable to my life. I definitely know I'm not the only one that feels like everything going well in their life falls apart all at the same time. I just don't know what to do. Where do I go from here? What do I do with all of these memories that come multiple times daily? What am I going to do without a job, with rent and tuition to pay? What am I going to study in school if I feel like I can't do what I really want to because 1. it's not practical and 2. I'll be in the music building ALL the time with him? I see a car that even looks similar to a silver Honda Accord and it feels like my stomach is going to fall out of my butt and I'm going to puke up my heart. No joke, it really feels like that. I don't even want to think about actually running into him. I've never had a break up this hard. Obviously. I've never had so many things to be nit-picky about. I've never felt so useless and almost worthless. Not worthless. Sort of. To some people. Maybe just a waste of time. Yeah, that's it. I feel like a big, giant blob of wasted time that could have been spent on something good. Something divine. Something Eternal. "There was a time when when men were kind, and their voices were soft, and their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind, and the world was a song, and the song was exciting, there was a time... Then it all went wrong." Man, if I didn't have the Gospel, I'm sure I'd be really depressed right now. I'm just... disappointed. I'm not around to witness the growing of my only niece, to check out my little brother for lunch in his first year of high school (Yeah, Brian is at Jordan. HOLY CATS!), wah wah wah. I'm getting sick of being so pessimistic. Look at me! I feel as though this is out of my character. I HOPE so! If not, I'm one pathetic creature.

MOVING ON! I'm trying to figure out how often I'm going to post an entry on this dealio. Daily? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Monthly? Randomly? Knowing myself, it'll most likely be randomly. Aaannyway, pretty recently I found out that I am singing in Lex de Azevedo's "GLORIA! The Life of Christ" at the end of November. We're singing it for the turning on of the Lights at Temple Square! :) YAY! It's going to be so wonderfully wonderful to sing that glorious music again and be in a CHOIR! I am excited! I haven't really been singing. At all. Okay, I do when I'm at church, and in my car, but that's pretty much it. OH! Other than today! :) I was all alone in the apartment for a long time and I totally belted for like, half an hour. SO MUCH FUN!! Back to "GLORIA!" You can get tickets by clicking here. It is going to be a TRULY incredible evening. I love music. I love talking about music. I love talking about music with my sweet roommate, Shenay. :) We do it often, seeing to the fact that we are both music majors (for now... :P). She is such a darling girl! A wonderful example, a happy-go-lucky chick. Positive through the roughest of times, she is. I consider myself very lucky to be having such a great shared room first experience. I don't know if she can say the same... :-S I'll work on that! We were just talking about dreams, among many things, and I am determined to teach myself to lucid dream. I BELIEVE I CAN LUCID DREAM BECAUSE I WANT TO :) (Some site says that you have to believe you can and really want it. I've got it, man). I am also determined to write my missionary friends, for Pete's sake!! I'm REALLY sorry, boys... I'm a terrible time-scheduler. Elder Diaz (Alex) and I are finally corresponding! Golly, I feel like the worst friend in the world. His mission is like 1/4 of the way done and we're just barely getting in touch. He's doing well, though. :) As far as I know, all the missionaries that I know are doing well wherever they are. Many are coming home very quickly which is exciting. I want to go on a mission. I don't know if it's going to be when I am 21 or when I go with my husband, but I am anxious for it, either way. It makes me nervous though, because many of the young men that I've spoken to about sister missionaries are... well, they strongly dislike them. :P Ha ha. The majority of them, at least. They love to make fun of them, which I guess is okay. "Junior Comp for life." ;) I really need to go to bed, I have a long day ahead.

Sorry for the whininess at the beginning... Shame on me for wasting my own life. This life is a GIFT. I accepted it, unwrapped it, played with it for 5 minutes and then buried it under triviality in the bottom drawer of my ignorance.

GOD LOVES YOU! :) I'll be seeing you.