I Seek After This Thing

Have you ever wanted something so bad and you feel like it is exactly what you should be doing, and nearly everything in your life points to it?  Have you gotten it?  I feel like that in my life, and yet, while I feel like I did/am doing what I can and need to do to attain it, it evades me.

More than anything in my life, I want to be a wife and a mother.

More than anything. 

Not just to anyone, of course, but I won't mention him by name for a few reasons.  I understand that I am "young" (20 in 3 weeks for those of you who don't know).  I understand that I "have time".  I have heard those phrases a kajillion times, but usually from people who don't really care/matter.  I can't help feeling that what would have happened was meant to.  Alas, I cannot make decisions for other people and things change.  I find myself preparing daily for being that woman I want to be.  I cannot wait to teach my children about the things I am learning.  I cannot wait to spend evenings with my husband hashing out bills, careers, children, school.  I cannot wait to keep the commandments of God.

"Marriage offers fulfillment all the way through life—in youth and young love, the wedding and on the honeymoon, with the coming of little children and the nurturing of them. Then come the golden years when young ones leave the nest to build one of their own. The cycle then repeats itself, as God has decreed it should."

Gaaah...  I don't know if I really like it being on my mind all the time. Yet, as I think about it, right now, even though I think I'm ready to take such a huge step, I CAN wait.  I just wish things didn't end.  I'm not even heartbroken, I just wish I still had that companion. 

I am TRULY grateful for the Refiner's Fire, though.  I am slowly, step-by-step, becoming someone who I want to be.   I have been brought down to be built up grander than I was before.  My sweet and beautiful friend Allie sent me an email that was such a great strength.  She said, 

"When President Monson announced that they're making the Provo Tabernacle into a Temple, my understanding was opened to a beautiful new truth. We were the last people to ever sing in the Provo Tabernacle, and it was really confusing for a lot of people to understand why the tabernacle burned down, because we knew that the Lord could have easily stopped that fire. But my choir director said that there is obviously a reason why it burned down that we may never know. Then when the Prophet made that announcement, everything made sense! He needed to burn that down to make it into a Temple.... a TEMPLE!! The one place on earth where God can physically dwell, the one place on earth that binds us to Him and our eternal companions for all eternity. But the amazing thing is is that we can think of ourselves in the exact same way: sometimes our Heavenly Father has to burn us down to almost nothing and sometimes we may not know why He's doing it. But He always knows why! If we let Him burn us down and re-construct us, He WILL turn us into something so much more divine, beautiful and eternal than we ever thought possible! He can turn Tabernacles into Temples! The Lord ONLY upgrades!" (italics added)

I love that analogy!  Not only because it gives hope, but because I am actually seeing it in my own life!  I am so grateful for the NEVER ENDING LOVE of my Older Brother, Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  I am grateful for ancient and modern-day scriptures that lead and guide my life and enable me to be the happiest I ever could be.  I love knowing that I am doing what I can to make myself, others and my Savior happy.

Thanks for reading, pretty soon here, I won't whine as much.  I promise.  :)

I'll be seeing you... 

"Where Do I Go From Here?"

Warning: Since I want to whine and this is my blog, I'm going to. You're entitled to skip to the second paragraph if you wish to fore-go the "I'm currently unhappy with the path I am currently on" sob story.

So, there has been a lot on my mind lately about where my life is headed, what kind of person I am and who I am trying to become. I feel like I'm stuck in this mundane rut. I'm unemployed (my last day of work at the Bank of Utah in Ogden was last Friday), I'm single, I'm not a mom (I know I'm young, chill), I don't have a calling in my ward, I'm leaning more towards the "undeclared" major AGAIN, I am consistently and profoundly confused about a topic that continues to be on my mind/in my prayers, I'm not a good friend... This list could almost go on forever. The phrase "when it rains, it pours" has never been so applicable to my life. I definitely know I'm not the only one that feels like everything going well in their life falls apart all at the same time. I just don't know what to do. Where do I go from here? What do I do with all of these memories that come multiple times daily? What am I going to do without a job, with rent and tuition to pay? What am I going to study in school if I feel like I can't do what I really want to because 1. it's not practical and 2. I'll be in the music building ALL the time with him? I see a car that even looks similar to a silver Honda Accord and it feels like my stomach is going to fall out of my butt and I'm going to puke up my heart. No joke, it really feels like that. I don't even want to think about actually running into him. I've never had a break up this hard. Obviously. I've never had so many things to be nit-picky about. I've never felt so useless and almost worthless. Not worthless. Sort of. To some people. Maybe just a waste of time. Yeah, that's it. I feel like a big, giant blob of wasted time that could have been spent on something good. Something divine. Something Eternal. "There was a time when when men were kind, and their voices were soft, and their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind, and the world was a song, and the song was exciting, there was a time... Then it all went wrong." Man, if I didn't have the Gospel, I'm sure I'd be really depressed right now. I'm just... disappointed. I'm not around to witness the growing of my only niece, to check out my little brother for lunch in his first year of high school (Yeah, Brian is at Jordan. HOLY CATS!), wah wah wah. I'm getting sick of being so pessimistic. Look at me! I feel as though this is out of my character. I HOPE so! If not, I'm one pathetic creature.

MOVING ON! I'm trying to figure out how often I'm going to post an entry on this dealio. Daily? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Monthly? Randomly? Knowing myself, it'll most likely be randomly. Aaannyway, pretty recently I found out that I am singing in Lex de Azevedo's "GLORIA! The Life of Christ" at the end of November. We're singing it for the turning on of the Lights at Temple Square! :) YAY! It's going to be so wonderfully wonderful to sing that glorious music again and be in a CHOIR! I am excited! I haven't really been singing. At all. Okay, I do when I'm at church, and in my car, but that's pretty much it. OH! Other than today! :) I was all alone in the apartment for a long time and I totally belted for like, half an hour. SO MUCH FUN!! Back to "GLORIA!" You can get tickets by clicking here. It is going to be a TRULY incredible evening. I love music. I love talking about music. I love talking about music with my sweet roommate, Shenay. :) We do it often, seeing to the fact that we are both music majors (for now... :P). She is such a darling girl! A wonderful example, a happy-go-lucky chick. Positive through the roughest of times, she is. I consider myself very lucky to be having such a great shared room first experience. I don't know if she can say the same... :-S I'll work on that! We were just talking about dreams, among many things, and I am determined to teach myself to lucid dream. I BELIEVE I CAN LUCID DREAM BECAUSE I WANT TO :) (Some site says that you have to believe you can and really want it. I've got it, man). I am also determined to write my missionary friends, for Pete's sake!! I'm REALLY sorry, boys... I'm a terrible time-scheduler. Elder Diaz (Alex) and I are finally corresponding! Golly, I feel like the worst friend in the world. His mission is like 1/4 of the way done and we're just barely getting in touch. He's doing well, though. :) As far as I know, all the missionaries that I know are doing well wherever they are. Many are coming home very quickly which is exciting. I want to go on a mission. I don't know if it's going to be when I am 21 or when I go with my husband, but I am anxious for it, either way. It makes me nervous though, because many of the young men that I've spoken to about sister missionaries are... well, they strongly dislike them. :P Ha ha. The majority of them, at least. They love to make fun of them, which I guess is okay. "Junior Comp for life." ;) I really need to go to bed, I have a long day ahead.

Sorry for the whininess at the beginning... Shame on me for wasting my own life. This life is a GIFT. I accepted it, unwrapped it, played with it for 5 minutes and then buried it under triviality in the bottom drawer of my ignorance.

GOD LOVES YOU! :) I'll be seeing you.